@eyeswidebutt

me: SHOW ME WHERE IT SAYS `NO CATS ALLOWED’

thats not a cat its a king cobra & it just went into the ballpit

me: Bitey loves kids doe

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@RyanAndrewMitch

I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.

@daddydoubts

My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”

And so, I am never going to work again.

@Vodkantots

I wanna be famous, but only so I can name my kids Wombat and Pumpernickel.

@Rachelnoise

15: MOM, WHERE’S MY NIRVANA SHIRT?!
Me: Name THREE songs & I’ll help you look for it.
15: …

@TheHyyyype

My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.

@thechrisschmidt

My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.

@aligarchy

DR: you have this disease
ME: oh no
DR: but you can cure it with a healthy diet and exercise
ME: OH NO

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”

@secondofhername

[if Lois Lane was a witness]
Criminal: *puts on glasses*
Lois Lane: I’m sorry, I’ve never seen this man before.