My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
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My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.