Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
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[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down