@truegritrumble

ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.

HER: There’s not even a bed in here.

ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*

HER: Holy shit!

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@Mikecanrant

So carrying a “wet floor” sign and putting it down immediately after using your best pickup line on a woman is frowned upon

Dating is hard.

@eminmien

My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.

@EndhooS

Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit

@Darlainky

I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.

@SSparklesDaily

Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.

@krisv_723

*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.

@RonnieLauth

Overheard at a museum cafe:
“What kind of coffee do you have?”
“Uh. Just the kind they give us to brew.”
“Well is it Kenyan? Ethiopian?”
“Sir. It’s just coffee. Either buy it or don’t.”

I love New Yorkers.

@XplodingUnicorn

My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.

At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.

@DanMentos

good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler