@truegritrumble

ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.

HER: There’s not even a bed in here.

ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*

HER: Holy shit!

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@Holy_Mowgli

ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and

@ThaJawn

(gym)

Me:
*tries to lift dumbbell
*drops it

Trainer: COME ON! IT’S NOT THAT HEAVY!

Me: I know, it’s just this KFC grease making it slip

@IamEveryDayPpl

The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”

@Zombieionism

Apples greatest success is convincing the world they need a new phone, to replace the one you aren’t making phone calls on, every year.

@Sassafrantz

Apparently, playing dead only works on bears not ex boyfriends.

@3sunzzz

I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.

@LilBlueBlood

Mom: Want to come over for dinner?

Me: No thanks, already ate

Mom: What did you have?

Me: Peanut butter

Mom: With?

Me: Spoon

@moneebthinks

My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip

@TheAlexNevil

*first day as mall Santa

“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”