ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
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*tries to lift dumbbell
Trainer: COME ON! IT’S NOT THAT HEAVY!
Me: I know, it’s just this KFC grease making it slip
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Apples greatest success is convincing the world they need a new phone, to replace the one you aren’t making phone calls on, every year.
Apparently, playing dead only works on bears not ex boyfriends.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of