If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
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Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Can you guess which dog isn’t falling for the “worm pill” wrapped in bacon ?
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
I would walk 500 miles just to be the man who gets to eat these donuts.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab