So carrying a “wet floor” sign and putting it down immediately after using your best pickup line on a woman is frowned upon
Dating is hard.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
You Might Also Like
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Flock of bats
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Overheard at a museum cafe:
“What kind of coffee do you have?”
“Uh. Just the kind they give us to brew.”
“Well is it Kenyan? Ethiopian?”
“Sir. It’s just coffee. Either buy it or don’t.”
I love New Yorkers.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken: