ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
You Might Also Like
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
God, I love Scotland
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.