Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat

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Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.


I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.


David Attenborough voice

“Amazing. See how the youngest of the species always needs something when the mother is in the bathroom.”


A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.


People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.


My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.

After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”


GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!


Me: Screams into the void

Void: screams back

Me: Screams into void again



Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you