[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
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Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Google Pay be like: