@Marlebean

Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat

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@YoungNobler

Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate

@jjhartinger

I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”

@davidkenny100

American: I was just at a shotgun wedding

Me: How far pregnant was the bride?

American: You English are insane Shotguns can’t get pregnant

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*

Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*

@patnspankme

People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.

@OBiiieeee

one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries

@UncleDuke1969

Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Who ate all the cookies?

5-year-old: Ninjas.

Me: I didn’t see them.

5-year-old: No one ever does.

Checkmate.

@UnFitz

I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.

@wittwitbarista

I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.