@ShortSleeveSuit

Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers

Doctor: You mean selfish?

[30 crabs come out of my pants]

Doctor: Haha here’s some cream

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@LeonEarlgrey

The guy who created Virgin airlines probably didnt go to high school otherwise he would have called it “shes probably lying airlines”.

@AnaGunnaTelya

Me: I’m sorry my intelligence intimidates you

Also me: *misspells banana

@TheToddWilliams

EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}

@briangaar

Girl, my life is full of tragedy. In 1997, my girlfriend was killed by a guy named Sephiroth. AND she was our party’s only healer 🙁

@hpb777

I hate it when the credit card bills come in and I have to have sex with my husband.

@pplwtching

Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.

Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.

@ch000ch

request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty

@NewDadNotes

God: You found the Holy Grail!

Me: cool, what does it do?

God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.

Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.

God: you don’t want eternal li-

Me: I said pass.

@iAmDelFreaky

“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”

~ The person that is wrong

@ValGyorgy

Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over