Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
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While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Time heals everything 🙂
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]