@ShortSleeveSuit

Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers

Doctor: You mean selfish?

[30 crabs come out of my pants]

Doctor: Haha here’s some cream

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@unmehlievable

If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires

@wife_housy

Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”

WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!

@Mr_Kapowski

Usually when I try to be slick and say “keep the change,” the money I’ve handed over doesn’t cover what I’m trying to purchase

@buhsbaby_baby

Autocorrect just changed “carnie” to “catnip” and now all my friends think I slept with a bunch of catnips last night.

@dtee83

Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.

@TySmithdrums

When I’m at a bar with my cousin she doesn’t think it’s funny when I yell ‘BUT HE’S YOUR GYNECOLOGIST!’ every time the music dies down.

@C00LpenNAME

1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…

2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?

@Jared_Wade

Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”

Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life

@dorsalstream

[packing for work trip]

“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”