Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.

In my 40’s: oh.

Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.

I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it

him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery

me: gotcha

[later]

me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*

My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man

Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family

I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.

I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.

The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.

I have witnessed someone face reality.

My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it

I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.

You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids

At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.

A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.

I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.

[at a sperm bank]

“Can I browse the clearance bin?”

one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]

Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?

Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣

rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight

There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.

Him: I’m an dog person

Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?

And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.

A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.

Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!

The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”

Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.

*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*

mama: stop that!

monkeys: why hahaha

mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you