Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
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8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.