[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
me: *signing to gorilla*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
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Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
If you’re reading this fortune cookie, I am being held at the Golden Dragon Dumpling Outlet against my will. Send help.