me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years

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“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”


Sorry I shot your SUV but it’s deer season, I saw the antlers and I panicked.


It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.


How does North Korea only have four medals so far?

We’re the best at everything.

We even fed our athletes this time.


Father’s Day is a great time to give your father a tie so he can look extra nice at the job he settled for because you were born.


I love commercials that treat me like an absolute moron

“tired of going to the bathroom?”
“do you need more birds in your life?”
“who left this yoo-hoo here?”
“fed up with regular air?”
“this product costs money”


I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.


[Cooking pasta]

Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.