@sonictyrant

me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years

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@Ygrene

[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister

@INDlAN_

Parents: Your room is a mess.

Me: You really need to see my life.

@Donna_McCoy

GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.

@sophielou

[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]

Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT

@NewDadNotes

[Wizard Starbucks]

Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron

Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!

@8bitf0x

what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks

@Parkerlawyer

I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF

@TheAlexP

Girl seeing my torn jeans

Where’d you get those?!

*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*

The Gap.

@Losephine

If you’re reading this fortune cookie, I am being held at the Golden Dragon Dumpling Outlet against my will. Send help.