@sonictyrant

me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years

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@PhilJamesson

“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”

@TheMichaelRock

Sorry I shot your SUV but it’s deer season, I saw the antlers and I panicked.

@JermHimselfish

It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.

@_Kim_Jongun

How does North Korea only have four medals so far?

We’re the best at everything.

We even fed our athletes this time.

@Sarcasticsapien

Father’s Day is a great time to give your father a tie so he can look extra nice at the job he settled for because you were born.

@mattewe02

I love commercials that treat me like an absolute moron

“tired of going to the bathroom?”
“do you need more birds in your life?”
“who left this yoo-hoo here?”
“fed up with regular air?”
“this product costs money”

@Robert_Beau

I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.

@EllaZee5

[Cooking pasta]

Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.