ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
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my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
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