Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
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You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
The future is now.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there