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ME: *signs*
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ME: *signs* Is that it?
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it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled