My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
You Might Also Like
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall