Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
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never forget
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died