Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
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Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.