Me: *singing*

Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”

He was driving.

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As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit


“Haha those ‘said no one ever’ jokes are pretty funny” -said no one ever


“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it


My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy


casting director: whenever you’re ready

me: the name’s bond… james bond

casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns

me: no


I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.


what idiot named it Mail Order Bride instead of Male Order Bride?


If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.


Talking on your cell during church isn’t good, but if you use blue tooth hands free they just think you’ve got the spirit.


You mean the world to me.

Wife: You’re talking to the tacos aren’t you?

This is correct.