@Beth1nw

Me: *singing*

Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”

He was driving.

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@weinerdog4life

As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit

@OVO_Ty15

“Haha those ‘said no one ever’ jokes are pretty funny” -said no one ever

@PaperWash

“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it

@LarrysTwin99

My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy

@PhilJamesson

casting director: whenever you’re ready

me: the name’s bond… james bond

casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns

me: no

@Darlainky

I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.

@RatCasket

what idiot named it Mail Order Bride instead of Male Order Bride?

@jessokfine

If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.

@jeffswarens

Talking on your cell during church isn’t good, but if you use blue tooth hands free they just think you’ve got the spirit.

@senorlumpy

You mean the world to me.

Wife: You’re talking to the tacos aren’t you?

This is correct.