Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
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Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life