Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
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This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?