Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*

Therapist: that’s not how this works

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As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?


Pressing elevator buttons with my safety hotdog


Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?


Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because I didn’t see you first.


If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating


I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me


I hate when I’m running away from monsters at the temple then crash into a tree and die because I wanted to collect all the gold.


Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.


ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.

FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.