@EmSlyce

Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*

Therapist: that’s not how this works

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@batkaren

As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?

@chuuew

Pressing elevator buttons with my safety hotdog

@Cadmarch

Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?

@Slims_Ramblings

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because I didn’t see you first.

@dumbbeezie

If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating

@jinglebayls

I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me

@Muath_tu

I hate when I’m running away from monsters at the temple then crash into a tree and die because I wanted to collect all the gold.

@joshxhowie

Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.

@SirEviscerate

ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.

FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.