Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
You Might Also Like
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?