Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
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[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
“How’s your sexual history?”
Well doc, if i had to summarize it in one word it would be “deletable”
I once almost called 911 from the bathroom because I was afraid I would never stop peeing.
Related fact: marijuana warps time perception
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
So far, I’ve gotten away with passing as an adult again today.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?