@rickolantern

Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?

Him: It’s five dollars.

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@squirrel74wkgn

[cat mom giving birth]

Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*

@Rollinintheseat

[First date]

Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”

Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”

@Merman_Melville

Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it

@DillDoes

“How’s your sexual history?”
Well doc, if i had to summarize it in one word it would be “deletable”

@BoomBoomBetty

I once almost called 911 from the bathroom because I was afraid I would never stop peeing.

Related fact: marijuana warps time perception

@QwertyJones3

TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future

ME: Really? Who wins the election?

TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace

ME: You need to be more specific

@MisfitMuse

So far, I’ve gotten away with passing as an adult again today.

@Thynebear

Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project

@ArfMeasures

Me: How do I beat the bully?

Dad: Just punch him

Me: I am not doing that

Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him

Me: So like an uppercut?