Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
You Might Also Like
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
Twitter is the new flypaper.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.