I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
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Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me: