Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
You Might Also Like
I have coffee before looking at art.
Brews before hues.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Rice cakes have only 50 calories. But packing peanuts have 0 calories & they taste exactly the same.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.