me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”

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Burgers, she wrote.

– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.


“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”


ear doctor: your hearing hasn’t gotten any worse.
me: that’s great news.
ear doctor *puts down megaphone*: not really.
me: what?


My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.


Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?

Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”


If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind


[at the gym]

Body builder: how much can you curl?

Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon


There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.