me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
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Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Yes, but it was never about money
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Strangers have the best candy.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.