Doctor: “How many fingers am I holding up?”
Ian: “err… 13…”
Doc: “Yeah. Some of these are yours. You’ve been in a serious accident.”
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
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Just because you are vaccinated doesn’t mean you can now wear Axe Body Spray.
Here’s a crazy idea. What if Budweiser took all that advertising money and actually made better beer?
*passes cop car with radar gun
*stares in rear view mirror for next 3 days
Look, if all you have is candy corn in this van, I’m going to have to get out.
*pins tutorial on how to uninstall Pinterest
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
When I see couples madly in love, I just assume they met yesterday.
Wife: Liam’s hamster died. We need to replace him before he gets back from kindergarten
Me: *gestures at kid* well?!
Wife: i meant the hamster