@ch000ch

me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”

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@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “How many fingers am I holding up?”

Ian: “err… 13…”

Doc: “Yeah. Some of these are yours. You’ve been in a serious accident.”

@BigJDubz

Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers

@my_hive_away

Just because you are vaccinated doesn’t mean you can now wear Axe Body Spray.

@sammyrhodes

Here’s a crazy idea. What if Budweiser took all that advertising money and actually made better beer?

@wickedsuga

Look, if all you have is candy corn in this van, I’m going to have to get out.

@ThaJawn

*downloads Pinterest

*pins tutorial on how to uninstall Pinterest

*uninstalls

@catstronomical

me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans

*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.

@One2thTEXAN

When I see couples madly in love, I just assume they met yesterday.

@sonictyrant

Wife: Liam’s hamster died. We need to replace him before he gets back from kindergarten

[Later]

Me: *gestures at kid* well?!

Wife: i meant the hamster