me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”

You Might Also Like


Doctor: “How many fingers am I holding up?”

Ian: “err… 13…”

Doc: “Yeah. Some of these are yours. You’ve been in a serious accident.”


Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers


Just because you are vaccinated doesn’t mean you can now wear Axe Body Spray.


Here’s a crazy idea. What if Budweiser took all that advertising money and actually made better beer?


Look, if all you have is candy corn in this van, I’m going to have to get out.


*downloads Pinterest

*pins tutorial on how to uninstall Pinterest



me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans

*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.


When I see couples madly in love, I just assume they met yesterday.


Wife: Liam’s hamster died. We need to replace him before he gets back from kindergarten


Me: *gestures at kid* well?!

Wife: i meant the hamster