@ch000ch

me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”

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@bingowings14

Burgers, she wrote.

– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.

@murrman5

“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”

@Iffy_Penguin

ear doctor: your hearing hasn’t gotten any worse.
me: that’s great news.
ear doctor *puts down megaphone*: not really.
me: what?

@ashley_barnhill

My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.

@NikatNiteNite

Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?

Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”

@Pierre__4

If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind

@PleaseBeGneiss

[at the gym]

Body builder: how much can you curl?

Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon

@SkunkFarts

There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.