I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
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I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.