[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
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Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.