Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
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we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.