Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
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[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
oh you wanna fight?!
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.