Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
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Potatoes were such a good idea
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.