My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
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Enviromentalists: How can we stop the rising oceans?
Me (understands displacement but not enviromentalism): Pull all those big whales out.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Scott Walker is dropping out of the Presidential race. In a nationwide poll of likely voters nearly 98% responded to the news with, “Who?”
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Literally my professional life
“I’ll have the Anti-sleeping Prescription”
“Sir, those are kids”
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.