@joeljeffrey

Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

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@Parkerlawyer

My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.

LAUGHING.

When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.

@d_duhwit

Enviromentalists: How can we stop the rising oceans?
Me (understands displacement but not enviromentalism): Pull all those big whales out.

@ThugRaccoons

*gets abducted by aliens*

*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*

*gets returned by aliens*

@bartandsoul

A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town

@TheBoydP

I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.

I can’t wait.

@JeremyBRoberts

Scott Walker is dropping out of the Presidential race. In a nationwide poll of likely voters nearly 98% responded to the news with, “Who?”

@RodLacroix

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]

@Jedi_Daddy

“I’ll have the Anti-sleeping Prescription”

“Sir, those are kids”

“Gimme two”

@TheRobCee

Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.