To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
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Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Just remember when the conversation gets shorter with you, it’s getting longer with someone else.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Just saw a guy riding a skateboard, holding a surfboard. Dunno where he’s going but I assume there’s Mountain Dew there.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!