Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
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Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
just left a huge legacy in there
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there