Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
You Might Also Like
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Any refunds available?…
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…