Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
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The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.