Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
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If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
CUTE CAT‼︎
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
A short story about romance.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight