ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
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Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.