ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
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normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster