Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
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If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
this is uni
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.