@BoogTweets

Me: *Sitting in traffic*

Cop: Get back in your car

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@MizzTangles

I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.

@ArfMeasures

ME: I worked at a zoo for a while

THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?

ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories

@portmanteauface

Welcome to adulthood, if you sleep on the wrong pillow you’ll feel like you got in a motorcycle accident for three days

@BoomBoomBetty

[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]

Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?

@DrakeGatsby

The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*

[Next Night]

Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit

@tchrquotes

[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.

@BromanConsul

My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he’s just a lamp so what does he really know anyway

@thenatewolf

Hello, I’m a bird, I survived since dinosaurs roamed the earth but windows are too much for me to figure out.