@BoogTweets

Me: *Sitting in traffic*

Cop: Get back in your car

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@concretesledge_

I just spent $100 at Whole Foods. This better be a damn good bag of Almonds.

@MickSnark

Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.

@noduffers

I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.

@PFitzpa

Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.

@RidiculousSheri

‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”

@Georg_Grey

If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.

@loribuckmajor

Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.

@HeyoShellz

*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*