I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
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ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Welcome to adulthood, if you sleep on the wrong pillow you’ll feel like you got in a motorcycle accident for three days
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he’s just a lamp so what does he really know anyway
Hello, I’m a bird, I survived since dinosaurs roamed the earth but windows are too much for me to figure out.
Lol at birds that walk places.