Me: *Sitting in traffic*

Cop: Get back in your car

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I just spent $100 at Whole Foods. This better be a damn good bag of Almonds.


Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.


I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.


Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.


‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”


If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.


Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.


*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*