ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
You Might Also Like
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
I told my vodka about you.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me