Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*

Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE

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If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?


My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.


Friend: Do you know karate?

Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.


They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.


Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.


I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes


Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*


“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules


Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.