@prufrockluvsong

Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*

Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE

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@pineapplepleas

If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?

@mommajessiec

My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.

@upsidedowntrash

Friend: Do you know karate?

Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.

@jackiembouvier

They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.

@GuyBreakup

Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.

@envydatropic

I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes

@pizza_dragon

Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*

@Coolisiana

“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules

@Bexyful

Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.