Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
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You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
the short answer to this question
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
shit just got real
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car