ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
You Might Also Like
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]