The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
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Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.