Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
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The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.