@abbycohenwl

Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?

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@SevSnapeProf

Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.

@simoncholland

My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.

@SatansTongue

Aw look he’s about to say his first words!
“Say dada!”
*baby opens mouth*
Here it comes!
*airhorn noise*

@shivillex

North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))

@sad_tree

*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*

@Social_Mime

*calls restaurant*

Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?

Host: Of course it is sir

*hangs up*

@knot_eye

I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.

@P_o_n_k

BRUNO MARS: I’d catch a grenade for ya

ME: Thanks, but I’d probably still die.

BRUNO MARS: Jump in front of a train for ya

ME: Again…