[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
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When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Aw look he’s about to say his first words!
*baby opens mouth*
Here it comes!
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
BRUNO MARS: I’d catch a grenade for ya
ME: Thanks, but I’d probably still die.
BRUNO MARS: Jump in front of a train for ya