@sixfootcandy

Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?

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@Adam14

Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!

@PersianCeltic

Do you smoke? Smokers: “Yes.” Non-Smokers: “Never have, never will.” Stoners: “Smoke what?”

@Dustinkcouch

interviewer: what makes you want to be a firefighter?

me: a fire killed my dad

interviewer: i’m so sorry

me: don’t be. i will have my revenge

interviewer: you want to kill the fire that killed your father?

me: no. i’m not an idiot.

interviewer:

me: i’m gonna kill its dad

@Browtweaten

Daughter: He found a garter snake

Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-

Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt

Mom: Damn it

@gabeserra

My 3 yr old’s idea of comedic timing is waiting till we’re at least 10 minutes away from house to tell me he’s not wearing any shoes.

@osno13

anyone here with one leg? i have a ton of socks you can have

@Hill2Stephi

If you’re single.

Just have patience.

Your soulmate is almost done with those divorce papers.

@aquinton

Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”

Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”

Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”

Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”

@elle91

Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?

Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night

@OswaldOLottakum

Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*

Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*