@sixfootcandy

Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?

You Might Also Like

@LittleVodkaOwl

5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.

Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.

@_NTFG_

When your mate says his name is Stephen with a ‘ph’ to the cashier and he gets his Starbucks cup back reading ‘PHEVEN’. That.

@iGreenMonk

They tried it standing up, sitting down and bent over the kitchen table but it was no good – they just couldn’t get a decent wi-fi signal.

@ShittingtonUK

Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.

@sara_ashlynn

My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]

@TheFearBoners

I wouldn’t let you touch me with a 10 foot pole! No seriously, why do you have a 10 foot pole?! THAT’S NOT NORMAL!

@KalvinMacleod

[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet