Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
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My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Skills
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.