Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
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Do you smoke? Smokers: “Yes.” Non-Smokers: “Never have, never will.” Stoners: “Smoke what?”
interviewer: what makes you want to be a firefighter?
me: a fire killed my dad
interviewer: i’m so sorry
me: don’t be. i will have my revenge
interviewer: you want to kill the fire that killed your father?
me: no. i’m not an idiot.
me: i’m gonna kill its dad
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
My 3 yr old’s idea of comedic timing is waiting till we’re at least 10 minutes away from house to tell me he’s not wearing any shoes.
anyone here with one leg? i have a ton of socks you can have
If you’re single.
Just have patience.
Your soulmate is almost done with those divorce papers.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*