Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?

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When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.


9: Daddy, wanna hear something cool?

Me: Sure!

9: *tells story*

Me: Ok, well clearly we need to work on how you define “something cool”.


He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath


By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.


My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place


Guy from back of room: IM DATING UR EX WIFE
BR: [sobbing] ok only one person gets hurt


“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”

– The AutocorrExorcist


Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.


Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep


JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*