me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
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Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird