@CornOnTheGoblin
@Not_From_Troy
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
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@Not_From_Troy
@JPHaddadio
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
@PeaceInTruth1
I’m old enough to remember being the tv remote.
@parishiltonsdad
every morning I ask the dog “the usual?” before pouring his food into his bowl & neither of us thinks it’s funny but that’s showbiz folks
@MissHavisham
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. Iโve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
@shesok2
Girls that try to flirt with guys on Twitter are pathetic.
Guys, if you agree, message me your number so we can talk about it.
@shwebby3
THE POWER OF NACHOS COMPELS YOU!
THE POWER OF NACHOS COMPELS YOU!
@thejessbess
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
@DanMentos
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
@AndrewChamings
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?