@CornOnTheGoblin

me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”

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@Not_From_Troy

– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?

-No.

– Do you want some?

@JPHaddadio

When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.

@parishiltonsdad

every morning I ask the dog “the usual?” before pouring his food into his bowl & neither of us thinks it’s funny but that’s showbiz folks

@MissHavisham

Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. Iโ€™ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.

@shesok2

Girls that try to flirt with guys on Twitter are pathetic.
Guys, if you agree, message me your number so we can talk about it.

@shwebby3

THE POWER OF NACHOS COMPELS YOU!

THE POWER OF NACHOS COMPELS YOU!

@thejessbess

I put “the rap” in therapy.

Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.

@DanMentos

[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?