My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
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*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
[dumps water on judas]
jesus: check it out. i turned water into whine.
judas: what the hell?!
jesus: oh judas, don’t be so cross.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
You’re right, homeless man on the subway…it is a “clip your toenails into your McDonald’s cup” kind of morning.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something