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@graceupongracie

My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic

@robotmouthfarts

*Takes leash off feral dad*

Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.

*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*

BAD DAD! BAD!

@mela_shea

Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?

Me: either, as long as there’s butter

Him: are we still talking about se-

Me: muffins, yes

@PatsATweetin

[dumps water on judas]
jesus: check it out. i turned water into whine.

judas: what the hell?!

jesus: oh judas, don’t be so cross.

judas:

jesus: wut?

@BecksWelker

7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers

2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014

@TheBoydP

I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.

@EricGoldie

You’re right, homeless man on the subway…it is a “clip your toenails into your McDonald’s cup” kind of morning.

@newLettuce

Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?

Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*

@daemonic3

PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story

AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something