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My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic


*Takes leash off feral dad*

Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.

*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*



Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?

Me: either, as long as there’s butter

Him: are we still talking about se-

Me: muffins, yes


[dumps water on judas]
jesus: check it out. i turned water into whine.

judas: what the hell?!

jesus: oh judas, don’t be so cross.


jesus: wut?


7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers

2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014


I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.


You’re right, homeless man on the subway…it is a “clip your toenails into your McDonald’s cup” kind of morning.


Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?

Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*


PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story

AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something