This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
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Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Favourite diary entry ever
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.