Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
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An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.