ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
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“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”