@TweetPotato314

me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

me: *swallows another quarter* no

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@atamba_lakeli

My boyfriend recently called me his woman
And now we’re living in the jungle, wearing deer skin and hunting for food

@Moemontes

To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!

@HousewifeOfHell

College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.

@cwhudson

*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap

@Darlainky

Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.

Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.

@AndrewNadeau0

FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Cleaning up is a superpower. Don’t you want to be a superhero?

5-year-old: I’ll just be a bad guy.

@rickkondell

That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.

@DiamondLou69

“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”

– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.