me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
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“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”