me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
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Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look