@TweetPotato314

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

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@KissabiX

The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle

@realHamOnWry

There is a conspiracy theory that Bill Gates created the Coronavirus. I’ve used the Windows system and believe me, that virus would have frozen and crashed long ago.

@ashleyaustrew

4: “Mom, I’m gonna be just like you when I grow up and say bad words and eat French fries two at a time.”

@everygirI

if ur worried ur not gonna get a New Years Eve kiss just remember that Valentines Day is in 45 days n ur probably gonna b alone for that too

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:14:”bellicosejason”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/2920777729/0790156818043637f77bc218ae309e04_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”322024322468302849″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”44″;s:5:”tweet”;s:58:”In order to catch a bus, one must first think like a bus..”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@KenJennings

Motion to rename biological clock “restless egg syndrome.”

@FatherWithTwins

My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.